Whoever said "War is Hell" never spent time at Pennsic. My name is Lazaro Bettancourt DeVega and I was honored with the opportunity of attending my first official Pennsic War this past summer. This experience is not one that I will soon forget. At certain point during the week, I reached sensory overload. All the sights, sounds, and smells were awe-inspiring.
I have been living the dream for three years now and enjoying many aspects of Society life.. but nothing could have prepared me for that first rush of adrenaline as I entered the Woods Battle. Or how my heart would soar at seeing the beauty and kindness that abides in all our ladies of both the East and Middle Kingdoms. Suffice it to say that my first war was quite enjoyable ... and most eventful! You see, I was also privileged to become squire to His Excellency Viscount Sir Edward Zifran of Gendy. In one fell swoop I had discovered what being Sir Edward's squire entailed ... and what pitfalls lurk in the realm of squiredom.
The ceremony was a beautiful affair attended by many noble lords and ladies. The dear Mistress Cassadoria prepared a most beautiful banner of Sir Edward's arms so he might raise them during the War. These Arms were displayed during my ceremony for all to see ... both friend and foe.
The ceremony concluded, and ail the guests bid a good day. My Knight gave me the rest of the evening off to enjoy my new position. This consisted of visiting many other Knights of the East in the hopes of receiving words of wisdom that would help me in my quest for the White Belt Of Chivalry. The night finally brought me to the yurt of Sir Ino Ogami, a dear friend of Sir Edward. Sir Ogami shared many things with me that night, and bid me to enjoy all the experiences that were to come.
The only hitch came on the last two evenings. There was a celebration field at Sir Ogami's encampment in honor of Sir Edward's 20th anniversary in the Society. There was much merriment. There was even a pinata with a beret and cigarette ... it looked a great deal like a certain Knight who shall remain nameless. (Ha, ha, ha!) [Not my chuckles ... emme]
At the end of the festivities, I asked to be excused to return to our encampment for some much-needed rest. As I proceeded to our encampment at "Ed's Crlwhey" (as it came to be known) I realized to my mortification that the beautiful banner that had been on display all day had been pilfered.
"There will be hell to pay!" I exclaimed. I searched for wisdom from the noble Sir Mordred, who had also once been a squire to Sir Edward. I informed him of the ignoble deed, at which he said in his most stoic manner, "That is not good, young Squire. We must remedy the situation."
Sir Mordred then instructed me that I should espy Sir Ogami's camp. Baron Bart the Bewildered, also a former squire of Sir Edward's, happened to be on site at the time and thought this might be "a neat thing to observe." We walked to Sir Ogami's camp, and there to my dismay was Sir Edward's banner sitting at the entrance to Sir Ogami's encampment. What was I to do? Why, what any good. squire would do! Steal it back, and plan my revenge ... but I get ahead of myself!
Within 24 hours of this incident, by time of the infamous Ostgardr "Eat everything you can eat, Burn everything you can burn" end-of-war party, the banner had been taken again. This was the proverbial straw breaking the squire's back. (Camels? What are camels?) I took action against a sea of oppression ... and a whole mess of squires, too! I surreptitiously made my way to Sir Ogami's camp and saw the target of my assault. Sir Ogami's 30-foot-tall Japanese banner rode high in the night sky. As I cautiously looked into the camp, I noticed that everyone was enjoying some Saki. (What else do the Japanese drink?, but only real men drink ale!)
I slowly lifted the banner ... 6 inches a time so as not to be noticed ... until it was out of its holder. I ran full tilt back to the safe ground of my encampment. I had not gotten more than 20 yards when a commotion began and a chase ensued. What to do! What do I do? Hey, wait a minute, I'm from Brooklyn -- I know what to do! I stopped, dropped to ground by the side of the road, and tried to keep from laughing as I saw all five or six of Sir Ogami's squires run right past me.
When they were gone, I returned triumphantly to Sir Edward with the spoils of war ... just before Sir Ogami and his boys reached me. I was, however, on safe ground now, in the encampment. You see, the rules of this game are that banner must be flown freely and that you must not be seen thieving the object desired. The first words out of my mouth, as I drew my sword, were "One false move and the banner gets it ... right between the seams!
Presented with his banner, Sir Edward exclaimed, "Well done, squire!" ... to which I responded, "Thank you Sir. I'm from Brooklyn, Sir!'
During the negotiations that followed, I demanded the unconditional return of Sir Edward's banner. At this point, most of the encampment had circled round to witness Mistress Elizabeth Talbot make the proper request of keeping Sir Ogami's Number One Squire's pants. Poor Kardon. Rules of war required that he supply her with the demand. Sir Ogami's squire left us with the banner in hand...but pantless.
Here ends my tale of suspense, intrigue, and a whole lot of fun. Rest assured that next year is a war not to be missed.
In servitudine,
Lazaro